So Kill Me

2011-05-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

It kills me to think that I'm always in it alone, no matter what it is. However much you put your faith into something, somehow or rather it will most inevitably come crashing down on you. However little faith or hope you have, however miniscule or insignificant, when it falls, you ultimately crumble with it. However much we try to do it on our own, we end up putting hopes on something or someone else again. It never ends. Its a vicious cycle.

And although I admit its just human nature, that everyone goes through it, I still must say:

To the one who started it all, screw you. Bloody hypocrites.

The evils...

2011-04-14T16:24:00.000+08:00

It's been a while. yes. It just hit me today that there will always be someone out there to make you feel that you're never gonna be good enough for anyone. There are no exceptions. Anger is the source of all evil (next to money), and when someone's angry, they'll be kind enough to bring up all the mistakes that you have done, and slam it into your face kinda like whipped cream on a pie. Only not edible. It eats you up inside.

I know you're probably gonna expect something like 'but its ok, screw you asses who try to make me feel this way, i'm not perturbed!'. But we all know that's bullshit. I feel like shit. Feel like disappearing into the ground. To wither up and just die or something. but the fact that I've been blabbing about life and how its so precious would make me sound like a hypocrite if i said i should just die. So lets see. I feel crap, want to change things. but WHY? The world's so evil. I'm evil. I'm not denying it. Not that I haven't made any mistakes. Still am. It just feels like I've just fallen and broken my leg but its not enough, so someone just accidentally drops a pile of bricks on it. You know, just in case it's not broken.

I know, you're angry. So am I. We say things we don't mean (or do mean but on normal days we're just too nice to say it out).

But it SUCKS. ARGH. @#%^*#$*@)#*(.

There. I feel a little bit better.

Starfish

2011-01-31T16:08:00.000+08:00

This morning I woke up all groggy and having Garfield like eyes on a Monday morning. I was wondering what on earth could've made me so tired, then I remembered my dream.

I died and turned into a starfish. Of all things, seriously. So I dropped a gazillion feet from the sky and plopped into this pond, and being a starfish, well, I couldn't leave that pond. Then I died again. Drowned, in a flood. wth.

I have no idea what that means, but it sure as hell drained me out of my energy today.

Two more hours to a two week break.

And so much closer to London.

ahh...bliss :)

Another year

2011-01-21T17:13:00.000+08:00

So it's the new year. And everyone's been blogging about it. Pardon my skepticism, but another new year just reminds me of how painful life can be.

Or how unfair it can be. And how it will always be. No matter how much we try to hide from it, it is the most inevitable fact that it is still lurking somewhere, and we choose to not acknowledge it.

For things that reminds us of the past, we lock them up in drawers, stuff them in the far ends of our closets, bury them away deep in our thoughts. For us humans, we never forget. We only choose not to remember.

So while we live life according to what we think will 'make them proud' or while we try to fit into their footsteps, endeavouring to continue what we think was 'unfinished business', and stepping back engulfing in self pity thinking how it would be like if that person was around, we (well I) sometimes forget that she's gone.

Like how I think she'll eventually be reading this while I'm typing this out.

It's almost been a year. And the memories are as fresh as ever.

Yield

2010-08-19T11:38:00.000+08:00

Dear God, this morning when i woke up, it felt like any other morning. i felt the same way about going to work, prayed for the same things, wanted the same things.

Yesterday felt like any other yesterday, and tomorrow felt like any other tomorrow.

But as the seconds ticked away, it dawned on me that it wasn’t just another day.

Today was the day I started thinking about the yesterdays. About what I’ve done and what I could’ve done or done instead. About the people around me, about the strangers that passed me by, about the acts that people do and about things that people say.

You are the only one that knows what goes through my head every second. The guilt that never leaves me, the regret that haunts me every chance my mind goes blank, the silence that takes over, the tears that wells up over the times i laugh, smile, and talk like i am the happiest person on earth, free from worries, having the time of my life.

They’ve been telling me to let go. But it’s not as easy as it sounds is it? And the harder i try, the more i remember. And my life is almost ruled by guilt. You know i don’t speak of certain things because of it, almost as if i am not worthy. And maybe i’m not. I can’t be, not after what i’ve done, and even more so of what i didn’t do.

You said you’d forgive if we did. Would you still if I couldn’t?

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure of where i was headed. That’s probably why you had to send something smacking in my face to wake me up. It sure did, and now I am completely lost. The whys that i have been asking has finally run out.

And so the only thing that i can do now is to yield.

Happy Birthday

2010-08-18T09:07:00.000+08:00

I remember you when I'm kneeling in front of the cross.

I remember you when I'm driving on unfamiliar roads, when you were the one I'd call when I got lost.

I remember you when I see cookie, when you'd hug her no matter how stinky she gets.

I remember you when it's August, when you'll ask us to go out for dinner, when you don't tell us you want a present. But your face lights up like a child during Christmas when we give you something.

I've been thinking about how you would be like today. I'm thinking you'd probably be complaining about how you've reached the big 3-0 and yet at the same time kick anyone who'd even try to suggest that you were getting old.

I remember you every single day.

It's been six months, but it feels like yesterday.

Every single memory recollected is so clear.

If you're happy now, it's all that matters.

But I would never know until I see you again.

And though God's gifts are greater than one could ever imagine, I still wished it'd never happened.

Happy Birthday to the one who would always be 29.

Short trip back home

2010-07-26T17:22:00.000+08:00

I vouch never again to drink ANY sized glass of water before i go to bed.

Mom made me drink one, and I had to get up five times to pee. It's not cool.

Ah, the joy of being back home. Mom says eat this, I eat. Drink this, drink. But then again obviously i said no to her Horlicks offer while i was munching on durians.

While lying down on my bed reading my book, she barges in "don't lie down while reading a book! it's gonna kill your eyes!" whilst in the meantime, i'm already so shocked i've forgotten every single word i read in the past hour.

And i go...OKAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. and lie back down again.

Of all the most un-aligned conversations we've had, other than the stories my mom told about how she had to hold her bladder last time because she was afraid to go out in the dark because of snakes and ghosts, I think this was it:

Me: Hey dad, is that Trishaw restaurant thingy still operating? (some awesome restaurant in Simpang Pulai)

Dad: No

Me: Ow. So there's no where else that sells that fried-vege dish?

Dad: No

Mom: In Penang and Melaka still got wad...

Me (thinking to myself...HUH?! but stupidly responded anyway) : Oh, they've got a branch there?

(and i'm laughing while typing this out)

Mom: What are you talking about?

Took us five seconds to digest that we were talking about completely different things. Mom was talking about the already extinct trishaw in Ipoh (real trishaw. not the restaurant named trishaw)

My dad who doesn't laugh, snorted.

Genius.

I miss you

2010-07-01T13:48:00.000+08:00

My life has been so stable lately it's unbelievable. For all the loathing-my-life rants that i've had so far, this is one I'm not even trying to complain.

So going back after work doesn't seem so bad anymore. I actually am starting to want to be home. And have my stinking dog drool all over me. And follow me around until I relent. Papaya that is.

It's funny how things turn out to be. I would've never imagined in a million years that I'll be in such a state. Good one that is. I used to think it was the end, that it was the best I could have had. And being the numbwit that I am, trying to prove everyone wrong.

Then you left and turned my life over.

I still wonder whether it's because of me.

And though I will be forever grateful for this, I would never have in all eternity, traded you in for this.

If only I knew what I got myself into, maybe, just maybe, you'd still be here.

Kissing you

2010-06-23T12:58:00.006+08:00

Sparks fly, it's like electricity

I might die when I forget how to breathe

You get closer and there is no where in this world I'd rather be

Time stops like everything around me is frozen

And nothing matters but these

Few moments when you open my mind to things I've never seen

'Cause when I'm kissin' u my senses come alive

Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find

Falls right into place, you're all that it takes

My doubts fade away when I'm kissin' u

When I'm kissin' u it all starts making sense

And all the questions I've been asking in my head

Like are you the one, should I really trust

Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissin' u

But no one, no guy that I met before

Could make me feel so right and secure

And have you noticed I lose my focus

And the world around me disappears

'Cause when I'm kissin' u my senses come alive

Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find

Falls right into place, you're all that it takes

My doubts fade away when I'm kissin' u

When I'm kissin' u it all starts making sense

And all the questions I've been asking in my head

Like are you the one, should I really trust

Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissin' u

I've never felt nothing like this

You're making me open up

No point even trying to fight this

It kinda' feels like it's love

hmm..

2010-06-18T16:09:00.001+08:00

My blog + pictures = plain boring

I shall never do that again.

I'll try something new. I'll talk about something NICE. Ok, sounds wierd coming out from me.

But hey, at least it's a start.

I met the most amazing guy.

You know the kind that makes you smile even when you're asleep?

I must have done something right to deserve this.

:)

Cameron

2010-06-15T14:52:00.000+08:00

Ok, I guess it's about time to beautify my blog with pictures.
So I'll start with my lone walk in Cameron!

:)

2010-06-14T15:32:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna see this one day.

Emo post

2010-06-14T15:25:00.000+08:00

I wonder if people even remember why they celebrate birthdays anymore.

Or why they give presents.

I know I'm not keen on celebrating birthdays. Just because I don't think I've done enough to leave an impact in anyone or anything for that matter.

On the contrary I have begun to think that maybe if I were never in existence, some people might have a better life and even more so actually still be living.

Yes, I'm brooding over issues which I have no control over. But it is really annoying that I cannot do anything about it.

Birthdays are about celebrating the existence and life of another person. So if you're celebrating a birthday for someone you absolutely hate, you're in the wrong place.

Really, it has nothing to do with 'give her/his face since its her/his birthday'.

Same goes with a birthday wish.

Oh, my cynicism has returned, hasn't it?

I can't wait for the day I'm on leave to sleep it away.

Excuse me?

2010-06-11T10:26:00.002+08:00

An article from The Star:

Weaker sex to get stronger role in public sector

A SPECIAL committee is to be formed to implement gender sensitisation programmes in the public sector to increase the representation of women in key decision-making positions.

bla bla bla...

You call calling us the weaker sex a step towards sensitisation????

I think it's time you looked up what sensitisation means.

Idiots.

2010-06-10T12:01:00.000+08:00

I don't think anyone can understand how bored I am!

It's gotten to the point where I can sit and stare blanks at the screen.

And then I start thinking about going out, to malls....and then about stuff that I already have but still want to get...like another pair of shoes, some random movie, an extra piercing perhaps? hmm....

Cookie ran away for the second time in three weeks. I think she's bored too. The last time she 'ran away', mom was freaking out at home, I was stuck at work and she on the other hand, ventured all the way to the guard house wagging her tail. That idiot of a dog.

So she did it again this morning. Only that she hasn't been found yet.

Sigh.

I think I will shop during lunch.

Being too bored is no good. I start thinking bout other stuff too.

I need a hug

:(

2010-06-04T09:27:00.000+08:00

So finally! We've sort of finished moving the stuff out from your apartment. (there still a table and chairs and a couple of cabinets left)

Now how long did that take? 3 months?

Must have a hell of a time laughing at us from up there.

I wonder how you stuffed all your things in that tiny place. And it wasn't like you stayed on your own.

But wow.

And hey, you were right all along.

And we all miss you loads.

Me myself and I

2010-06-03T18:12:00.000+08:00

Something bout me you'd wanna know?

I

cannot live without tissues. But funnily enough, those who know me know I don't carry them with me

love my dog to bits. But complain about her every minute of the day. She does drive me insane.

cannot stand fresh pineapples. Not even the smell. They make me squirm, in a bad way.

am dying to go on a holiday without having to worry about money. A trip to the klcc fountain is NOT a holiday.

want a time machine. I don't care whether it's faulty or 'not tested' yet.

wonder why alcohol is so expensive here. Probably the reason why I'm sane right now.

have stacks of shoes in my car. Front seat, passanger seat, back seats, in the boot...

look forward to dinners. With anyone, or no one.

am a softie. Just because I yell at you doesn't mean I want you to yell back at me.

hates it when people tell me how to do things. Unless I ask of course. You can tell me what to do, just not how. If that being the case, you can tie strings all over me and make me your puppet.

get angry real fast. Be on my good side, and you'll feel very safe.

think I am in dire need of chivalry. Someone said it still exists. So it must be true, even though I have not seen it yet. Must be because I keep seeing assholes that keep growing bigger and they keep blocking my view.

xxx

For the fourth time

2010-05-30T17:17:00.000+08:00

If I start with ' a lot of things have changed', you'd probably slap me.

Cause I think that would be my fourth post saying that.

And it doesn't really look like it has, does it?

No, I don't think so either.

But DAMN, I really wanna say it out loud!

Because if you've seen me now, you'd say I'm back.

As compared to the last two years.

Maybe a little but more intelligent.

And a little more cautious.

A little bit more suspicious and it's gonna probably take more than a line to make me trust you.

If you're talking about me being an idiot, well, you don't really have to say it cause I already know.

And much more than that.

For so much I have given, is so much that I have lost.

Of all things that I had expectations for, the best of what I got was disappointment.

But I have no regrets, only lessons to learn.

And it taught me well, for those who don't already know, liars will always be liars, and cheaters will always be cheaters.

We don't really change that much, none of us do. Its what we really are inside. Regardless of who we're with. It is a matter of how much you are willing to show. Or whether you choose to be a wimp.

It has taken too much for me to be able to even stuff it in my head.

I think I've had enough lessons this year, to last me a lifetime.

If only I could really say what I wanted, I wouldn't be writing this crap.

For the life of me, I cannot explain why..

2010-05-24T17:41:00.000+08:00

For all the times I've said 'things have changed' and it didn't, here's when it did.

And for those who've known, it's been a hell of a ride.

It's broken me into shreds, and if I can pick them all up within a year, I'd consider myself lucky.

For starters, I think I might just be climbing out of that pile of bills which I've been so consistently shoving under that pile of old dusty files.

And this is totally random, but I had an amaaaaazing weekend.

I went to Singapore for the first time in 15 years, and to Melaka for the first time in my life!

Yes, I am a Malaysian. Don't have to give me that look.

Amazing, that I finally smiled after so long. I don't think it'll take that long after all.

Hachiko

2010-04-23T16:39:00.000+08:00

Watching this movie made me feel like Cookie is one useless dog.

Ok, she does wait for me to come home (I think) and she's too tiny to pounce on me like Hachi does to his master, so she just drools all over my feet and starts pawing my feet.

Instead of following me to wherever she's supposed to follow me, for instance, when i say GO TO THE TOILET TO POO, she runs the other way. The only time she will follow me is to the kitchen, where the food is.

Sometimes I do think she's clever though. She barks at 7.30am sharp. Time for food. She does not care what day of the week it is.

Hachi follows his master. Cookie follows the one with the food. That's as much as she would do, as far as loyalty goes.

Love Over-rated

2010-03-22T18:03:00.000+08:00

A million things have happened over the past two months and it feels like eternity. I have done so many things in such a short span of time, but the only thing that I haven't been quite able to do is to think.

I mean if you're talking about thinking bout things that have happened (especially the bad ones), well of course I've been thinking about it every chance I get. I'd snap myself out of it when I start fuming, or start ripping the pen that I've been writing with apart.

It is difficult to think of the good stuff when your bosses have stuffed you with work from the neck up. They have kept their promise to keep me barely alive after I returned from leave. It wasn't like I took leave to go to Maldives and walk on the beach and pick seashells ok.

I've probably changed from it all, but I'm still me. Even when some think that I'm selfish or being condescending and unreasonable and all that. But what is life if you don't get to enjoy it, basing it only upon what others do for you or otherwise? I mean damn, we'd never be happy if we were sitting around waiting for SOME guy to make us happy.

But what I've learnt, even how strong we say we are, we do need someone. Or at least I needed. But an indescretion proved that I could make it through on my own (yes, while pining for some knight in shining armour to take away the pain). As for you guys who believe in fairy tales, sorry to burst your little bubble, there isn't one. There never has been one, and there never will be. Well ok that's a bit harsh. Maybe in the beginning of some 'love at first sight' and 'head over heels' kind of nonsense, you may think that there is. Now I know there really isn't. You make your own fairytale happy ending in your head and it doesn't happen. So there, no more fairytale. Easy peasy.

Though I think the fault lies in the worldly interpretation of love. They keep showing us movies of how perfect a man can be and how exciting it is to see that hunky guy and that pretty lady gets to click with him yada yada yada. And then they get married and then the movie ends. Then we all go ga-ga over the movie and say we want a marriage like that. HELLO???? the movie ended. They'd probably end up yelling at each other every night cause the girl likes the curtains all flowery and the guy doesn't.

So someone had the most intelligent mind to tell me that love was overrated. He said that true love was by doing the right thing, even if it was a routine, even if you didn't want to do it. The world has closed our eyes on the 'right' and gave us false hopes and promises in exchange. It is sad, because I finally understood what he meant. I never saw things that way.

But when I thought about all the wrong things that I've done in the past, it wasn't that I didn't love. It was because I was stupid for not listening to the better judgement, thinking that my own way was the right one. And really guys, if anyone were to tell you to do something just because, it's not worth it.

A whiff of the past

2010-03-10T17:25:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened in a month. And so I thought since it's about time I get rid of my gloomy looming old blog style, I'll do something different this time (partly cause I'm SO free I cannot think of anything else to do). And also because there are a few things which has to be put in writing.

Just a word of caution, I'm gonna be putting up pictures of my sister's funeral. So if any of you who has any pantang/bad luck/etc about looking at these pictures cause your weddingday/granduncle's birthday/dog's birthday/whatever is coming up, then there's this tiny white x in a red box that you can click on the upper-right hand side of this screen.

Anyways, this will be the first time I'm gonna actually talk about parts the events in my life. Without all the cynicism and all that (I try).

So before it all happened, I was happily engrossed at work. And one fine morning after the completion of a very long hearing, I walked into my office and saw this:

Courtesy of my colleagues. Azmin & Teck Wee, I will still kill you.

Really, don't ask.

Not a day after that, there was a lot of going in and out of this wretched place called Tropicana Medical Centre. It wouldn't be wretched if my sister had survived from that place. (Sorry can't help it, I have a grudge against that place).

And then that day came, the day which all of us didn't want to face but had to anyway. It's a little blurry. Except for the fact that I dreamt for weeks in a row about looking at the corridors of the hospital and the room that she was in, and how the doctors could tell us straight in our faces that there was nothing that they could do and show us signs that she was going away.

It was horrible. It still is no doubt. For the fact that I can still visually see the entire scene that morning. It is hard to believe that she isn't here any longer though. Not until it really comes and whacks me in the face. But I'd rather hold on to that small imagination that she's still somewhere, yelling at someone for not doing a good job. At least she's alright.

But ok. I'll keep my word of caution. Here are the pictures.

See. She's so pretty.

Something I got for her as her get well present. I gave it to her anyway.

Her boyfriend bought her a replica of Cookie. Everyone thought it was a real dog.

Something from her friend, Grace, who thought she could use some company.

To Aimee, Ben, Chris, Evelyn, Jasmine, Janice, Jian Bean, Kerting, Siao Hui, Tash, Yiting & Roy (if you secretly read my blog), here's the wreath that you got. It came in just in time for the mass. We thought it was really lovely so it went on the casket.

Thank you all.

Oh, and if you didn't know, she got baptised when she was in the hospital. So yeah, she got the death I always wanted.

But my sister was being my sister. She:

1. Made my cousin buy a very expensive plane ticket to postpone her trip to stay for her funeral.

2. Made me buy roses for her on Valentines Day (3x the price ok??) on her 7th day. Not 1. One each for everyone who was there. Fifteen.

3. Made us move all her stuff. And I tell you, her 'stuff' sounds normal. How do I put this. Um. Stuff from 1 apartment with 3 rooms moved to a two and a half storey terrace house making it FULLY furnished, equipped, in all the rooms, under the stairs, in the cupboards, shelves, drawers...you get the picture. Oh, and the 1 apartment is still furnished. Live-able. With a couch and all that. We took two whole weeks just to move. It's not done yet.

Chea, if you've got internet up there, I know you'll be laughing at all of us.

So in the midst of moving, cookie was in the way. So I had to do this:

And after that she sulked.

Sorry cooks.

It is not goodbye. I'll see you again.

2010-03-01T16:54:00.000+08:00

You left without saying goodbye. Perhaps you didn't know. Maybe it was better this way. You spared us the extra tears that would've come if we saw you closing your eyes on us.

It's still like a blurry vision. Like it never happened. I still imagine that you're on one of your work trips, that you'll come back one day. And I'll see you, and we'll quarrel over petty issues that doesn't matter. Like how we shouldn't rub cookie's belly, or whether we should give her papaya or not because she pee-ed on your kitchen cloth that morning.

Then we'll have dinner and talk about useless things we did last time when we were young. The only time that I can remember most vividly was when we snuck out of the house, walked to Toy's World and bought ONE bar of Crunchie. It seemed huge back then. We ate half the bar each, and couldn't stop farting afterwards. And we had to keep ourselves locked in the room (and not let the fresh air in) because we couldn't let anyone ~~mum~~ know that we bought a bar of chocolate. Then we came up with an ingenious idea of where to dispose of that golden piece of wrapper. Out the window, onto the roof. I can't remember whether we actually did that but I know we laughed so much we were literally rolling on the carpet.

You still made me do that even when you were 25. But it was fun. You were fun to be with, despite me being such a spoilt brat wanting everything my way. (but you know you usually win).

I haven't been the best sister. You always wanted the best. And because of that I haven't been able to understand you. I didn't know how to. And now that you're not here I will never be or know how to.

You've changed so many people's lives I'm not even sure you know it. Dad cried so hard that day. He didn't want anyone of us to see it. But we all did. He never does cry, you know that. That day I thought that God doesn't listen anymore. To me anyway, and I thought that I didn't deserve to be heard. I was being selfish, I wanted you back into a life where you would suffer more than anyone of us.

Maybe you think you haven't done enough, and that's why you try so hard to please everyone and end up hurting yourself.

But like mom said, "God says it's enough. It's time to go and return home."

And I think she's right.

So I pray that you'll live in peace in heaven. I know you are already there.

If I live life good enough and be a good girl, God might give me a chance to see you again, just enough to say I'm sorry.

And I'd like that very much.

The Hard Way

2010-02-24T09:03:00.000+08:00

Everyone thinks at one point in their life that they've learnt things the hard way.

I've learnt mine. Through the hardest way possible. But I guess I've deserved it. Through a death, and an eye opener.

Life full with laughter

2010-01-21T11:29:00.001+08:00

Amazing song. Lousy MTV.

Would LOVE for this song to be dedicated to me.

x

Complaints

2010-01-08T15:00:00.000+08:00

I was reminiscing the past when I found out how unfair life can be.

There are so many why questions that can be asked but I'll never know the answer to.

But I can complain!

Complaints of 8 January 2010

1. I got dragged out of a school I loved with all my friends that I never got to graduate with.

2. So now I've got friends scattered all over the place and yet not a few close enough to always keep in touch with

3. I have a fucked up life. Right now.

4. I don't understand why it is so easy to make a misery out of someone's life and take a pinch of salt and rub it in further. Is there no such thing as compassion?

5. Why can't I buy CK underwear with my salary??

(It's because being a numbwit that I am, I spend all my money before I can get hold of it.Physically.)

6. I know I shouldn't but I just went for a quickie retail therapy. It helped. For ten minutes.

7. Fuck. Now I'm in debt.

Ten criteria in becoming a modern chinese woman

2010-01-07T11:45:00.000+08:00

Article from The Star:

Ten criteria to becoming a modern Chinese woman

Women from China must meet 10 criteria including knowing how to tackle the “mistress” problem in order to qualify as modern women, China Press reported.
According to an Internet report, women must know how to dress up and take care of their looks. They must have computer knowledge and be able to clean viruses from computers, it reported.

(hahahahahha. this is hillairious)

“Women must be able to afford a high-end car and a house. They must also cook for their partners and do the house chores,” it said.

(WTF??! I might as well marry myself then)

The daily reported that the women must be able to protect themselves if they encounter robbers.

(and remind me again why we need men?)

As more Chinese people get richer, a 32-year-old woman from Beijing said she must take good care of herself in order to “compete” with mistresses.
“I decided to take good care of myself because when I am in my 40s, I have to face the challenge from those in their 20s,” she said.

(ok I guess this if fair enough. But it's still screwed up. How come guys don't have to take care of their looks and why aren't they worried we'll go running after 20 year old boys?)

So in conclusion: Girl choose to marry boy (or vice versa), girl has to work, earn more money, clean the house, take care of herself AND clean the guy's mess......

So what does the guy do?

Guys, no hard feelings. I'm merely attacking the article, not you. thankyouverymuch.

x

Burnt toast

2009-11-04T09:31:00.000+08:00

"When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then.

And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned toast in front of my dad.

I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school.

I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad For burning the toast.

And I'll never forget what he said: 'Baby, I love burned toast.'

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned.

He wrapped me in his arms and said, 'Debbie, your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired.

And besides-a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!' You know, life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people.

I'm not the best housekeeper or cook."

Ok so this isn't my post nor is it my story.

Cause for starters, Malaysians don't eat toast for breakfast. Nor do we eat em for dinner. But we DO eat breakfast food for dinner. Eg: Mamak mee goreng + ayam goreng for breakfast lunch and dinner. Or durian for breakfast lunch and dinner. (Or maggi-yummm!)

But my dad is very similar like the daddy in the story. Only that he doesn't say he likes burnt toast, he doesn't say anything, but to finish up the food.

Oh wait. That's not exactly true. I did burn a fish once. He finished it all up....without saying a word. And I can tell you....it SUCKED. I could hardly swallow my own cooking (can you imagine how it looked like???) blaaaaaah.

I don't know what to name this blog entry...

2009-10-13T12:26:00.000+08:00

Everytime I get a nudge to write, I'm in a bad mood. Probably explains why my blog is so mean and depressed. hAh.

Probably also beacuse pine for so much more in life, in others and in myself. Don't we all....

If someone even claims to have invented a time-machine, I'd be the first in line to jump into it.

For all those years I've taken for granted....i want them BAAACKK!!!!

You know, years where I didn't have to worry bout shit except to pass my exams. I only needed to worry about what to get for dinner that day, or which mall to scrawl over that weekend. Gone are the days where we used to use a rice cooker to cook mac & cheese for 5 in the pantry, stuffed ourselves silly with ribena, and ate porridge with super rings. (i can still do this but i don't have a rice cooker now). You would probably think it's gross but Jo & I would beg to differ.

Then there's the driving (illegal) lessons around college grounds, where you teach people to emergency brake before you even hit the bump, and go up the ramp to get into a parking. And it is also tantamount that there should be a line of spectators on the first floor while you are attempting to pass this lesson.

There is also the hogging-the-boys-basketball challenge in the evenings, in the playground, behind the hostels. And once we're done doing that (which takes about 5 minutes the most), we'll be talking crap on the swings with either one of us trying to fit into the kiddy's slide.

Fuck. This is making me even more depressed!

Oh how I wish I could just have ONE (1) night of good-with-no-worries-before-or-when-i-wake-up sleep.

Is it so hard to want to just be me?

No comprende

2009-10-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

There are some things in life I just don't understand.

1. Let's talk warehouse sales. It starts at ten, you get up at 8 and you're at the queue at 9. You know you're not going to be the first....there are hundreds of others who are more willing to sacrifice their previous sleep just to be right in the font queue! And when you reach there, you were right. Well maybe you were a little bit earlier than the rest of the city, so the door will be just out of reach from where you're standing. The clock ticks closer to ten, the crowd gets bigger. You aren't paying any attention cause you're playing worms on your phone with your friend. Then you look up at the crowd, and suddenly, there's another line forming over on the other side of the entrance. Geez. You think "the ushers/whoever-you-call-them better let us in first if not I'm gonna screw them around!". Five to ten, you realise your comfort space has been invaded by the ten children (or so you thought & didn't notice) of the lady standing in front of you. Oh fine, what's the big deal, I'll still get in after her anyway. Clock strikes 10, no sign of door movement. People fidgeting around, sticking their legs out the queue, making stupid sounds. Oh wait, what was that....was that the door hinges opening?? YES! The next second........*WHAM!* Some idiot slams into you from behind. wtf????? You think that just because you push from the back it'll make me go faster??? I mean do you bang into the car in front of you when you see the lights turn greeen????????

perhaps i'm being hypocritical. moving on...

2. Door + walls + nowhere else to go = door is the only exit/entrance. HOW difficult is that to comprehend? Why do you have to stand in the doorway to catch up with someone you see EVERYDAY in the office? Go build your own doorway.

3. Scene A:
Miri
You're asleep, the sun's shining right in at your face - 6.59am
Get up, shower, dilly-dally around the house, finally get dressed for breakfast - 7.25am
Reach breakfast place - 7.30am
Finish breakfast, after a long chat, puff of ciggy, go circle around town - 7.59am
(Sigh, still so early)
Go back home, watch an episode of The Nanny, decides that it's just too boring to stay in. Grab the car keys, go out for a drive. Drives all the way out to the beach, take a walk, get bitten by sandflies (those vicious little things!) - 9.01am
Next stop to the mall, hunts for DVDs worth buying, reaches there, watches quarter of the Transformer movie, grabs a couple of stuff - 9.56am
(damn, it's no point)
Goes home, spends the whole day glued to Astro.....

Scene B:
KL
You're asleep, the sun's shining in on your face. That's when you know you're totally screwed - 10am
Tosses out of bed, brush teeth (no time to shower), run for the lifts - 10.30am
Get to the car, take off steering lock, put seat belts on, lock doors, turn on Hitz.fm, get out of the car park - 10.45am
Reaches nearest place to eat nasi lemak i.e. Village Park + look for parking - 11.24am
Finish breakfast....
You know what, I think you get the picture.

Dammit!

Trip across the SCS

2009-10-05T11:19:00.000+08:00

I can't read my blog. It's unreadable. It's so BORING!

Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I SHOULD blog about myself cause I'm so full of myself. Yeah, I think that's it.

Oh but wait, this IS all about me. wtf.

I just had a really long break, considering that I haven't had a holiday that long since my summer break three years ago. And attended a wedding. (plus a reason to go back to stuff myself with kueh chap & talap)

To Klaus & Elaine, congratulations on your wedding. Seriously, we didn't think you'd get married so soon, I mean you were the joker in school (so says your best man). Doubt you'll see this anyway unless out of my very generous heart I decide one day to make this blog public. Not that it isn't already now, its' just not known. oh well....but you guys look amazing together.

Things weren't the same this time when I went back. Grandma was gone, and so did our family's meeting place. There wasn't a place anywhere else, where we could just sit there and countless people would drop by and within a couple of days, you'd get to meet everyone without stepping out.

But everything else was the same. I got woken up on the first morning by the sun shining right into my face. No pillows or curtains on earth would've blocked that out. I woke up and checked the time...thinking it was like 11 already. But noooooooooooooooo.....it was 6.59 and i went WHAAAAAAAAAAaattttt!!!!!!! Tried to force myself back to sleep to no avail. But hey, I got to stuff myself silly, went up and down the city and did a million things and yet the clock wouldn't reach noon. It's awesome. Everything was awesome. The beach, the crab snacks, the people...omg, there were those I hadn't seen in YEARS. okay, not to exaggerate.....in a CENTURY! i'm serious. But yet I don't feel old cause they're all older than me!!! muaahhahhahahahhaha.

Oh, and I got Season 2 of 24...which I'm gonna watch for the third time. No, it didn't cost me a bomb. only a quarter of what I would have paid if I got them from Speedy.

Anywayssssssssss. As I have said countless times earlier, I do only blog when I have some very important stuff to do (at work). And yes, I am back at work, with the traffic, the exhaust fumes, the people banging into you when you're trying to get into the lift and all that crap.

Did I mention that I'm cut off from the outside world?

My office banned ALL two way communications through the internet.

Sigh.

So Kill Me 2.

2009-09-03T10:24:00.001+08:00

YOu know you always have this fuzzy image of things that you want to happen before it happens.

Like for instance when you're packed neck-up with work but you still find those few seconds to think about that smile you will see when you finally get rid of that stack of papers staring at you;

Or when you think about how nice it would be like to have someone comfort you after a crazy hectic day;

Or how you can steal just five minutes thinking about how a perfect life would be, no worries, no fights, no moments when you feel like you've regretted the decisions you've made your entire life...

And then reality just whacks you in the face and you wake up. And you realise it's not going to happen, and feel so helpless at that moment in time.

But still I believe we humans (females) are not made to be weak. If it's such a mistake to want to rely on someone for whatever it is that you want to rely on, then hey, we've got our own two feet AND we've still got our brains. Even though all our smiley cells are smashed into pieces by that menacing aura that you're protruding.

At work

2009-09-01T17:16:00.000+08:00

So I was looking through my blog, again. and figured I had nothing else to write about! Maybe it's because my life is super boring, and it's become so monotonous that there is really nothing new to write about.

I did start this blog out so I could rant my brains out instead of keeping it all inside of me and then grabbing some random guy's neck and yelling my lungs out because I feel like it.

But heyyy, I guess I'm not such an angry person anymore! (is that a good thing?)

I am still complaining.

About how boring my life is.

Even though I've got a superb job that pays shitloads better than the other firms.

I still can't go out shopping without feeling a tad bit guilty!!!! I know i know, I've got enough stuff to last me a lifetime. But that won't be called shopping if I'm going to buy something i need right??? That'd be groceries shopping, or some emergency shopping trip. Like how I ripped my trousers trying to get into my car. damn. Ok let's forget about that.

Mum still peeks at my stuff and goes "Is that a new bag?" or "Why do you need so many bottles of stuff to put on your face? I only use half a bottle!"

Or when my dude opens the door and trips over my shopping bag, opens it and exclaims "OMG. HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES DO YOU NEED???" while I'm trying very hard to shove my other new pair of shoes into the room before he finds it (yes it is getting a bit crowded).

Or when I meet my sister at church and she whispers (while the priest is talking in front) "is that a new bag? how much is it? I WANTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Then one fine day I'll think that I've got too much stuff with no more storage space, and lug two big bin bags to the charity drop off point. (which is due last year)

How'd I end up talking about my stuff?

OH man. I've got another half an hour till the bell rings.

Let's see what I've accomplished today:

1. Used 4hrs14mins09sec0987millisec to do my work

2. Took 10mins to microwave lunch

3. Found out the actual meaning of "astringent"

4. Got my sister hooked to a lingerie warehouse sale

5. Read 3 blogs and a magazine

6. Calculated how much I've overspent last month (it's not pretty)

7. Googled wedding gift ideas

8. Read the news a hundred times.

9. Checked my bank account a gazillion times, hoping that my money will increase by the second.

Wow. an accomplishment.

I need not say more.

You will be missed

2009-08-05T14:02:00.000+08:00

Dearest popo,

I'm sorry I couldn't be there today to see you one last time. I know that if I were, I'd be sobbing my eyes out right now.

I will always remember the little antiques that you like to pull, acts that we see as such, from such an amusing and loving gramdnother that not everyone (except us) got to know.

About how you wouldn't eat your rice without salted fish.

Or how the food wasn't salty (or sweet) enough.

Or when you made funny faces when we tried to get you to take your medicine.

And your amazing kopi-o, you had a recipe for it. A spoonful of sugar short and you wouldn't touch a drop.

This we all knew, all your children (yep, 11 of them), and all your grandchildren (too many to count).

But we also know that you loved us all, even though we can be really really noisy in your house, or even if we were whispering (you'd be able to hear cause of your superb hearing), you still like us hanging around doing nothing, just so we could be with each other, as a family.

But hey, you were a cool granny too! I remember when our parents used to say to us about how we shouldn't go out so often or what we should or shouldn't do when we were going to go out with friends, you'd sneak us cousins a 50bucks each just before we left. And you joke around with our friends. And you say silly things just to make us laugh.

You were the stronghold of the family. Every Sunday after mass, all of us would gather at your place, just hang around, gossip a bit, eat loads of fruits, stay there for lunch till you were tired and gone to take a nap.

Then there was the Chinese New Year dinner / your birthday. Massive massive celebration, lots and lots of food. Loads of laughter. One I haven't been able to see in any other family. Not one. Not even close.

With you gone, things will never be the same.

But I'm glad to know that you were happy to have all your children come back to see you. And I know that you cried when one after the other, each of them left, because you knew that that would be the very last time you would get to see them on earth.

And I thank God from the bottom of my heart that I made that very unexpected trip back home just to see you, very much smiling and as stubborn as always, but God knows you cannot be replaced, and we will miss you always.

So Kill Me.

2009-07-31T10:52:00.001+08:00

I haven't done anything wrong.

The only thing I've done wrong is to cry.

And believe me, I wouldn't if I had a choice.

The simple life

2009-07-29T16:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish for a bigger house, better shoes, more bags, brighter eyes, sharper nose, longer legs, and straighter hair. Sometimes I wish for a perfect family, to have a puppy that wouldn't grow up, and a job that I like.

It's very easy when I say I just want things to be simple. That's it. It's not that hard. Just don't expect too much, say no more than necessary, earn enough money to buy the food you want to eat, shoes you want to wear, clothes you think you need but you don't, hang out with the people who will make you laugh, share your dreams, and listen to your problems, not think about things that will pull you down, go where you want to go, and be happy for other people who are happy.

But as things always turn out to be not the way you want it to be, I guess all of the above can't be done. Not perfectly anyway.

You want a job, you get a job. But then you complain about how bad it is on a day when you've got a lot of work to do. And then say how bored it is when there is nothing to do. Your employers bring you out for lunch, and you complain about how hot it is where they're bringing you.

You say you have not enough money. But you buy expensive food, countless DVDs, say hey, I need that pair of shoes, when you've already got a gazillion pairs at home growing roots.

We don't get enough. We never do.

And then we complain about how sucky our lives are. Then we compare.

Still not enough.

When we're busy, we complain we don't have enough time to do things. When we have nothing to do, we start gossiping about other people. About why Mr X's wife's son's friend's cousin's father's friend is going out with Mrs Y's daughter's friend's friend. About why other people cannot contribute a little money when all they do is eat and eat and eat. About why someone is so stupid because he doesn't do things just as you do. About why some people are the way that they are. Why why why why why why why.......

And because you don't have the answer, you make an answer. And you make that answer so believable with your own speculations that even you yourself believe that that is the answer.

When that happens, well, even if the truth whacks you right in the face you wouldn't be able to see it.

Just because things are as it is as you see it, doesn't mean that it is. It means that you don't know, and you should stop talking about it, stop being judgmental about everything that you think is right, and just piss off.

I think I'm a very angry person. Yeah. I think that's it.

Ever notice that my first sentence never really clicks with my last? And my headings don't make sense.

Oh well.

x

Gargh

2009-07-22T09:48:00.001+08:00

So I realised that in this one and a half months that I haven't been updating myself, lots of things have changed.

THe Malaysian way of doing things have changed. They have now resorted to killing innocent people from back in the days when they used to hold illegal assemblies under big rain trees (and then had a big debate over whether or not to chop down that tree)

I have to say, we've come a long way. From not wanting to make English a compulsory subject, to reverting back to a language only one country knows how to speak. I am sorely disappointed.(and so is our former PM)

Another thing that's changed is my perception of uh, how do you put it, authorities? Let's just say some people. A man gets stabbed by wife for having an affair. And the official statement is "we believe he got stabbed out of jealousy". Brilliant.

I've finally got a new door to my room.

And I can close my bathroom door without fear of being locked inside.

Some things however, never change.

Like how I'm still in debt for instance.

And how I still crave for Korean BBQ every now and then.

I still can't see my work table, and I can't find my pass card every time I need the loo.

And I blog whenever I have some very important thing to do.

The stupid things in life...

2009-06-10T17:55:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling indifferent. It was another day to get up, bury myself in the rush-hour jam, walk straight into a sardine-packed train, and climb the stairs to work. But hey, that's not stupid. It's just normal.

Not till I switched on thestar. I literally smashed the computer screen. Ok I didn't do that. I almost wanted to grab the monitor and shake it silly. WTF is wrong with these people? Apparently there is a lot of wrong. They think English shouldn't be a compulsory subject to pass! What a joke. There are no words to describe this. I was in a fury. So I wrote a really long (quite) email to the Ministry of Education. I just wanted to say how stupid those people are for objecting the move to make it a compulsory subject to pass. In a nice way. And then I cooled down.

Only to open the hard copy of The Sun to find out WHY there were so many objections.

I so wanted to rip the paper apart. But not before I had a chance to dissect it first.

HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO STUPID????!!!!

*pulls out my hair*

Talk about progressive country.

*vomits blood*

Oh sorry. The reason? Rural students might fail. HAh - beat that.

No other sane person in the world would even publish this even if a million said it were true.

It's an utter disgrace.

I hope someone sane collects all The Sun dated 10 June 2009 and burns them.

I should rename this post 'The most stupid thing in life..'.

I don't know where to hide my face....

2009-05-28T13:31:00.001+08:00

So I thought I was good with computers.

Ok not computers to be exact. You know, some things to do with computers.

Like installing a stupid drive for my LAN connection. That sort.

Then I was literally forced into using Excel spreadsheets. Which I thought okay, its a bunch of columns with lots of numbers in it. NO?

I was messing around with it and couldn't get anywhere. So I called up my dude, figured he'd be more of a genius than I was at this........

Me: Hey can you help me with this Excel thing? I can't seem to see the numbers.

Him: What numbers?

Me: These columns are giving me stars!!!!!

Him: What stars?? *Lots of noise going around in the background. Must be real busy at work*

Me: OK not stars!! Those little hash things! They're not showing numbers!! *panics*

Him: Right, which columns are they on?

Me: What columns?

Him: Aiyooooooooooo.....*I should think that by this time he really thought I was stupid.* A, B, C, D, which one?

Me: Ohhhhh....C

Him: Double click the line between C and D.

Me: Double click?? What the??! (And there I was thinking "what is he trying to ask me to do????")

But I clicked anyway. Being the idiot that I am, I actually went WOWWWWWW when the figures popped out.

Ok this shows how stupid I am.

Anywayyys. The story continues. Yeah, it doesn't end here. Me and my superb brain right?

So I continues clicking away...still thinking that Excel is SOOoooooOOoo difficult to use. Can't blame me. I'm not trained to use this.

Phone rings again.

Me: Helloooo. HELP AGAIN!!!

Him: Ok. What now?

Me: How do I add those numbers up?

Him: *thinks that's not really a question*. What numbers? Click on an empty column....

Me: WHAT??! I have to alter the whole document?

Him: uhh-oh ok you just want to see the sum?

Me: Yah

Him: Select the numbers you want to add up....

Me: uh huh...done...

Him: It shows the sum added on the bottom left corner of the screen

Me: *stares into the screen*. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID I FELT????!

It was really stressful.

My first bite into the douGh with a hole

2009-04-28T17:15:00.001+08:00

I finally sank my teeth into a Krispy Kreme doughtnut today. After years.

I was thrilled when I knew there was a box waiting for us in the office after lunch. My first thought was that you'd love to try one. So I took the yummiest looking one and put it on my desk.

But the first thing you said to me wasn't very nice.

And I thought you didn't care if I cared.

So I whacked the doughnut. It didn't stay yummy looking anymore. But I took a bite off it anyway.

Just another rant

2009-04-24T12:00:00.000+08:00

So this morning I was on the train on my way to work as I would be as usual, when I had a sudden flashback of my highschool days.

And it make me yearn to go back to those days. To do things differently.

To not laugh at the guy who tried so hard to please me.

To not have bitch fights in class.

To be aware of people who were going to hurt me.

To be aware of my actions that was going to hurt others.

To pay more attention in class.

To try not to get a red mark in my report card.

Then maybe I wouldn't have to leave. Maybe things would be different. Just maybe.

But then again, if that were to happen, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I wouldn't have learnt from my mistakes.

I wouldn't have known that there were countless jackasses in the world. Ok forget the world. Just this country alone.

I wouldn't have known what it felt like to leave something so precious behind, not knowing that I would never get it back.

I wouldn't have known how it feels to have so many people around me and yet feel so alone.

I wouldn't have known how to survive on my own.

I wouldn't have known the extent people go to to protect themselves.

I wouldn't have known what it feels like to be betrayed.

I wouldn't have learned to stand my ground.

It's cruel I know. No matter how hard you try to keep your life as simple as possible, it will never be as such. Life is what God gave us. And being very generous, he also threw in the world as a free gift. That includes other people, and other people includes all sorts of values, virtues and practices that aren't ours.

And therefore when they expect you to do something their way, it doesn't mean that they're being mean to you. It just means that well, they have different views. It can seem to be utter rubbish to one, but timely advise to another.

But if only everyone acknowkedges that there is this undeniable difference in the world, in each one of us, then maybe life wouldn't be so difficult for us all.

OMG

2009-04-06T16:45:00.000+08:00

Oh.My.God.

Ever wondered why people crave so much for certain kinds of food?

Especially doughnuts.

I can't believe it.

Krispy Kreme is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In old humble Malaysia.

Ok I lied. It's not here. Yet.

Anybody who has tried it would agree with me.

It beats J.Co, Big (fat) Apple. And all the other doughnut companies in the world

Flat down.

You have to go and try their original glazed dougnuts. You would have died and went to heaven.

*drools*

Gulp

2009-04-02T13:41:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been in so control of your life that you've never felt so messed up in the head?

Ever met so many people within such a short span of time and are expected to remember all of them?

Ever wondered why you're expected to attend the meeting with the board even if you're not gonna understand a single thing they're gonna say?

Ever had lunch while thinking about that chart that's supposed to be sent out an hour ago but is still stuck in the photocopy machine, while reaching out for some unknown dish and putting some wierd stuff into your mouth?

I have.

Funny it taste quite nice regardless of the look. Plus I really don't wanna know what it actually is.

I might just run to the toilet.

Or not have lunch ever again.

What if...

2009-03-26T15:59:00.000+08:00

What if you woke up one day and everything around you changed?

What if you realised that the person you could not live without, is that person you should not be with?

What if one day your prefect life (or so you thought) went crashing into the drain, and there was nothing you could do to bring it back?

What if you wanted so much more, but..

Life's rules are very simple.

You live your life to the maximum contentment, and all that you have decided upon, is your responsibility and the consequences are yours alone.

Life would be perfect, if you could look back anytime of anyday, and not feel a single twinge in your heart that says 'if only I had...'

Life itself isn't.

You have a plan that you want life to just be simple. Perfect and simple. But it doesn't always work out that way.

Some will let you learn from experiences, but some will go through hell just to keep you from them.

And you know why - for the very simple reason that they have been through something similar, so they do not want you to feel the hurt, the pain, the insecurities, and the inconvenience.

But one big part that they fail to understand, is that without these experiences, we will never learn to grow. We will never learn to think on our own. We will never be able to stand on our two feet.

There is no point telling someone 'don't regret this'. Because there will be something that everyone would do that they will regret. And if they look back and realise what went wrong, it would be the world to them when they discover themselves, that every second of their lives is worth living.

Don't for a second, think that just because your life is in hell, the world has to go down with you. It is your life, you make the decisions. Every word you speak, every action that you show, contributes to what may or may not happen in the future.

What if you woke up one day, and you were looking at clips of your life from above?

What would you have done differently?

What will you do next?

-

Random things you do not want to know about me

2009-03-24T12:44:00.001+08:00

01. I am very disturbed right now. Don't disturb me. I mean it.

02. My wrist is swelling. It should be getting better, not giving me funny colours everyday.

03. My slippers are wet. From the damn rain this morning.

04. I have four books staring at me which I know I should start reading but I really can't give a damn right now.

05. I despise driving in KL. No, I despise looking for a parking in KL.

06. My stomach is giving me wierd sounds I'm certain it's gonna pop open soon.

07. On days (like this) when I really don't want to care about anything, everything has to come my way.

08. I think my room is getting bored of me.

09. So is my blog.

10. Sigh.

Tagged!

2009-03-23T10:38:00.001+08:00

Hmm…This is interesting. Let’s see how it works out…

100 truths, tag 10 people to do the same. Don't forget to tag!
Last beverage = Water. Yuck
Last phone call = Why?
Last text message = Why?
Last song you listened to = Some weird song playing on the radio
Last time you cried = Hmm…110 hours ago

HAVE YOU EVER:
Dated someone twice = Yes
Been cheated on = Yes.
Kissed someone & regretted it = Nope
Lost someone special = Yes. Haven’t you?

IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU:
Fallen out of love = No
Laughed until you cried = Yes. While playing speed. You should try it.
Met someone who changed your life = Sort of
Found out someone was talking about you = Hell yeah
How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? = Huh? Is this a facebook term?
Do you have any pets = Yep
Do you want to change your name = WHY WOULD I?
What time did you wake up today = 6.45am
What were you doing at midnight last night = trying to sleep
Name something you cannot wait for = Friday night
The last time you saw your father = Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………
What's one thing you wish you could change = Memories
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = Yes
What's getting on your nerves right now = The fact that I have nothing to do and I’m cracking my brain trying to answer these questions

What's your name = Not saying
Elementary/Primary School = SriMawar
Middle/Secondary School = StJoe
High School = MGS
Hair color = Black
Long or short = Long
Are you a health freak = Have you seen me eat?
Righty or lefty = Righty

FIRSTS:
First surgery = Nada
First piercing = Ears
First best friend = Can’t really remember. Did she not backstab me or something?
First sport you joined = Cycling. Fell in monsoon drains most of the time.
First pet = A fish. That died again and again.
First vacation = That would be my hometown.

CURRENTLY:
Eating = Air
Drinking = Water
Waiting = For time to go away.

YOUR FUTURE:
Want kids? = Maybe
Want to get married? = Yes. A big white one
Careers in mind? = Already have one

HAVE YOU EVER:
Kissed a stranger = Nope
Drank Wine/Beer/alcohol = Yes
Lost glasses/contacts = Nope
Ran away from home = Nope. Man, wouldn’t I love to try
Broken someone's heart = Yeah
Been arrested = Hmm…what kind?
Cried when someone died = Yes

YOU BELIEVE IN:
Yourself = Yes. More than ever
Miracles = Yes. Even more. Just doesn’t happen when I want it to.
Love at first sight = NO
Heaven = Yes
Kiss on the first date = Does second first dates count?
Angels = Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
Is there one person you want to be with right now? = Yes. I’m not saying.
More than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? = No. Down with bastards that do!
Do you believe in God? =Yes

TAG:
I tag you, you and you.

One silly act...

2009-03-23T09:36:00.000+08:00

So I did a really silly thing today. I shall not state what it is. I already told you it was silly.

But it opened an eye. Just one, cause I'm thinking I'm not all that aware yet. Call me naive, whatever, I know it's not the end.

No matter how much you try to trust a person with your whole heart, it will never happen. At certain points in life, you would have thought you had. But there will always be those tiny moments, that draw you back from fairyland, and raises little doubts in your heart. Things you see, things you hear, things that you think of, things from the past that comes back to haunt you.

And then you wonder, why is it so difficult to do so? You weren't lied to (maybe a bit), you weren't spoofed, you have everything in the world going for you, you sort of have it all. But yet, that little insecurity can spoil everything. And if that hole is not filled up quickly, it will fill up with countless, undesirable filth - whether it be the truth or not.

But the truth is that it happens. And for once, I say this act that I did was really silly. Because I do not need to see to know. I have a brain and I use it. Plus common sense and everything else that goes with it.

I have known. Since the beginning. And I have hoped, God knows, how hard, that things will change. That it will change because it is me. And it HAS to be different. Not the same, not similar, not anything like it.

It hasn't. And this silly act of mine proved it.

Contrary to popular belief, trust isn't a subjective matter. It is a very straightforward road. You trust someone, you don't question, you don't doubt. But being stupid is another thing. You try to trust, and you work so hard not to doubt, and so you believe in the stupidest excuse you receive. And do nothing about it. That's not trust.

And it goes both ways. I can trust you. But if you give me any reason to doubt you, it goes out the window. And when it does, you won't know how long you will take to find it back.

A message to those who are thinking of hiding things from whoever it is they want to hide:

"If you think you are so clever to hide things from people, make sure they are those who are stupid (as defined above). Otherwise, don't run to mama when a fireball rams up your ass."

So before it does, spit it out.

We might find it in our very big hearts to forgive.

The phrase forgive and forget doesn't exist. [emphasis added]

Forgiveness is for the one who gives.

To forget is for the person who lied/betrayed/yanked you out of your safe zone.

So who wants to forget?

Ok that was a bit mean. Rephrase: We really do want to forget, but it is just not within our power. Unless God grants the gift of amnesia. But then again I think you'd freak out once you get your memory back.

Ah the countless ways of trying to trust someone and forget the past. It is just quite impossible. Unless there is a significant change in the way things run. Again, not the same, not similar, not the like of any kind.

It just pisses you off when you think that it is finally over. But it still isn't. Because you find out, through ONE SILLY ACT, that he still cannot let it go.

YES JO

2009-03-16T15:39:00.000+08:00

Jo, yes it's me.

I'm so easy to spot huh?

Damn.

I thought cookie would've covered for me. She looks like any Shih Tzu.

Only cuter :p

I don't need sex

2009-03-16T10:02:00.001+08:00

Someone thought this was good for Perakians, but then realised it'd be good for all Malaysians...

What are the odds that it is so very true...

Evil

2009-03-12T17:23:00.000+08:00

This says it all:

Water, lifts and stairs

2009-03-06T14:12:00.001+08:00

So recently the water supply was cut off from the place where I'm staying.

Not for a day.

5 days!

OK so I wasn't around during the weekend when it happened. So technically I only suffered for 4 days.

Sunday was good. There were a few buckets of water left. So the only time I needed water was to shower and brush my teeth for the night.

Life has never felt so cold. Not even winter in Leeds.

But then again who am I to blame? The water's gone off. Not the electricity. Didn't even cross my pea-brain to boil some water.

Never mind that. Life repeated itself again the next day.

And then the water ran out.

So armed with a bucket and keys, we (my dude and I) went down to the water hose to collect some water.

One bucket. It's not much. Filled it up, waited for the lift.

And wa-lah....the lifts broke down at that point.

Which, if you think about it, doesn't make such a big deal.

Not unless you're living on the 22nd FLOOR!!!

Ok, so fine. There were tonnes of other people waiting. So whatever. We weren't gonna wait the whole night for the damn lifts to repair itself (which it miraculously did after a day), so the stairs it was.

With a bucket of water.

No can do.

So since water was so VALUABLE and we couldn't let it go to waste, we thought, why not use it first?

Yup, so two officially self-proclaimed idiots were walking up 22 flights of stairs, drenched in water from the neck up.

Don't ask me how we did it. We just did. With no cramps whatsoever.

All for the love of a bucket of water. Which we didn't get in the end.

Never again

2009-03-04T13:54:00.000+08:00

I'm swearing off using the KTM. Forever and ever.

Ever heard of civilized human beings?

Apparently they don't exist in this country.

Eyes vs Words

2009-03-02T10:55:00.000+08:00

They say eyes are the windows to a person's soul. I say it is not. Words are.

Eyes are able to lie, if you're good enough. Plus people wear coloured contact lenses now. How are you able to tell?

Writing gives a person the freedom to choose its words, form of expression, an invisible boundry as to how far one wants to go. (But obviously if you wind up like RPK, don't come running to me).

But seriously, it is the best way to express your thoughts. Your deepest thoughts, one in which when you're deep in it, you think you couldn't possibly tell anyone. But when you grab a pen (or start clicking away on your keyboard), there is no telling as to how far you can go. (up till the point where you don't know what nonsense you're writing about)

Words are important, albeit the phrase actions speak louder than words. Human beings are complicated creatures. If you don't show actions enough, they complain. And then if you show just actions, they say you never tell them how you feel. Break a balance? Never will do.

Words, if expressed properly, calm people down, in times of difficulty, they being people back from cliff's edges, bring back the light into people's eyes, warms up their souls, restores common sense into their minds.

It shows how much a person is willing to do for you, willing to give up for you, willing to give in to you. Sometimes you swallow your pride, your ego, to conjure up the words just to make another feel a little bit better. And although it is not appreciated, you feel a little better inside. For you know you've tried. At least you've given it all you've got.

We write not to be understood. But because we cannot be misunderstood. We are granted the gift of speech for a reason. Ever wonder why dogs bite and cats scratch? You think dogs bite cause they're born to bite? Maybe its just because you're ugly. You won't know right? They will forever be misunderstood because they cannot ever speak to you in words.

I'm trying very hard not to be morbid. Very very hard. We all know words are not all yummylicious. But just for once, I'll just end here without going over to the dark side..

So, if you're wondering why on earth I'm babbling about words today...well, let's just say, it helped me get some sleep last night. It was all wrapped up with the help of a pen & paper.

Papers and wedding rings

2009-02-23T11:53:00.000+08:00

OMG. I have so many paper-cuts today you wouldn't believe it.

It so annoying that I still have to deal with so many loose pieces of paper.

What happened to "go paperless" or "save the trees"??!

Not like I'm a fan of all these environmentalist thinking....

...but it still HURTS!

So instead of continuing with those silly piles of papers, I thought I'd go watch my favourite MTV (at the moment).

Love Story by Taylor Swift

*grins*

Yes, I'm still a hopeless romantic, despite all the hateful and spiteful rants below.

She looks so pretty in the dress.

I love the lyrics. So much truth in it. Even in today's world.

If it's not Romeo, it's going to be Tom, or Brian, or some guy with a wierd name.

But still, what's it with people who tell others how and who to love?

Hey if you like some other guy and you think he's better, why don't YOU marry him? Geez.

I can't help it. I'm being sarky today.

If only the love story would come true.

Just a warning...

2009-02-18T17:21:00.000+08:00

Oh. before its too late. i should warn you readers.

Maybe if you're feeling suicidal you shouldn't read my blog.

It might actually help contribute to your suicidal-ness.

Not to say that I am. But if I to read my blog on a happy day I might as well jump off the cliff. I think the view is nicer from up there.

I'm just too bored to be bothered with anything.

Work kills.

Oh, if you're stil studying, don't complain. It is (I mean it) the best times of your life. (minus the exams)

Not fun enough?

2009-02-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

I was just going through my posts. And I thought...how morbid!

I should brighten things up.

Here we go.

Gee. Even my dog feels the same.

Well, I tried.

Sneek peek of my life

2009-02-06T13:39:00.001+08:00

What do you do when your family has turned their backs against you. Not knowing that the things they are trying to 'help' in are inevitably pushing you away from them?

Gee. I sound so serious.

Really, though. It's a bit of a pain in the a**. But what more is there to be done? You try to explain, they don't even try to understand. But oh, if there was a little bit of gossip about you from some other person, man will it stick to their head like super glue. What is it that makes family so special but yet so annoying?? Ok wait. Let me rephrase that. WhY is it that some families are so special together, but others...well, others are just literally screwed up in their own special ways.

It is so easy to see other families having fun amongst themselves and well, genuine smiles all around. And you wish so much that yours was like theirs. But it never does happen, does it? It is amazing how you get teachings about how you should rely on your family and they are the only ones who will always be there for you...yada yada.....and yet, when the time comes when you really need someone to talk to, they are the last persons you want to go to. Ok maybe this is just me. But hell, it happens.

Don't feel sorry for me. We learn things the hard way. This is mine.

I've learnt that you cannot be dependent upon anyone. I mean, it's pretty fucked up if you can't rely on people you call 'closest' to you right?

On the other hand, I do sympathise for those who have nothing better to do, trying to cover up their asses when they have none, while ruining other people's reputation at the same time.

Really, don't you have anything better to do?

I could go on for days. I really could.

I don't get the fact of how someone insists that he/she is trying to help you when their own lives aren't even settled! So much for good advice.

Well at least I know that if I died tomorrow, I'd be contented.

If you'd been happy for me, none of this would have happened.

There. I said it.

Let's talk about 2008

2009-01-22T17:40:00.001+08:00

It's about time for a lengthy rant.

So where am I now?

I shall call it limbo.

So many things have happened in the past year I've lost count of it. Lost count. Not don't remember. Oh, I remember every single detail. From the happiest to the most devastating.

And it was ALMOST wrapped up by the end of the year.

But NOOooo....Shit has to happen. There has to be never-ending drama in my life. Well, since 2008. (not that long ago you might say but HEY! This is MY blog, piss off)

I sound angry? Oh if you knew you'd forgive me for being so.

So. 2008 was supposed to be this uh prosperous, lucky year for love and career. YEAH. right.

Okay, so things took a twist in the beginning. We fall in love, we find new friends, we meet up with old ones, we break up with those that didn't fit, we fell out with people we knew for years...yada yada...

Yeap. That all happened in the first half year. (and I thought it was worth every single cell in my body)

So, second half: We've been cheated on, we found out the entire truth (which hurts to the marrow), we found new hobbies, we grew stronger, we had unecessary problems cropping up and ta-daa...I'm still alive.

Question: What would you do when the person you loved the most, dedicated (wanted to) your entire life to, trusted with your soul, forgoed everything that matters most...cheated on you, lied to you (not just to your ass but right into your face as well), and you only found out...TODAY.

Let's just say for argument purposes that it's been going on for a year.

You'd flip right? Threaten to kill yourself? Oh no, wait. Kill him? no no. Kill yourself just so he will suffer. yeah. sounds about right.

No?

No. I'll tell you what. You'll cry for a day. And then decide you're made for things better than this. Life's lessons are to be learnt. There are no coincidences. Only lessons. So you pick yourself up, dust it all off and hopefully it will go away.

But it doesn't.

It doesn't happen that way.

These things will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Especially when bitches never give up and persist in their daily routine of torturing other souls by begging for sympathy.

Please. Get.a.life. It's over.

Yes I'm mean. And if I see you, you better run.

So one day we turn into this person we don't really know. We want to turn back time to be that person again. But really, after all these you think it's possible?

When you're happy, you don't think of these stuff. Then once in a while, gravity pulls you back to earth, where reality wraps you in the head and just sticks there like a post-it. A pretty huge one.

We say to ourselves, there are bigger problems in the world. It doesn't make sense harping over some minisque issue like this. Life goes on. If we fall, we've only got our past to look back on and continue moving on forward. But boy, if there were a rewind button, I'd gladly take it.

ARgH

2009-01-22T14:52:00.000+08:00

ARRRrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghHHhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

I try and try and try.

I put everyone aside so that you would appear. Still no sign.

I line up a red carpet for you, you still refuse to come out.

Why is it so hard??? whY???!

Why is it so hard to win spider solitare?

I can't find the red ace.

*sobs*

Haircut

2009-01-22T11:49:00.001+08:00

I had a HORRIBLE haircut

What? Need I say more?

What's that? You want pictures? HAH. You've got to catch me first.

Just because...

2009-01-22T10:51:00.000+08:00

Just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean I don't think about it.

Just because you think it's right for me, doesn't mean it is.

Just because you're a sadistic bitch, does not mean I have to be one as well.

Just because you think your life is hell, does not mean you have to make others suffer too.

Just because I look at you with a smile, doesn't mean I like you.

Just because you think you're doing the right thing, does not mean everyone will appreciate it.

Just because you're sitting in a bigger chair, does not mean you're smarter.

Just because I walk into your shop in t-shirt and jeans, does not mean I cannot afford your goods. (Oh wait. you're just a salesman. Can YOU afford it?)

Just because you can drink, doesn't mean you're cool. Just so you know, a million others can drink better than you.

Just because you're popular, does not mean that we (I) have to love you.

Just because people treat you differently, doesn't mean that you're not special. (They're just assholes)

Just because people stay back late to work, does not mean they're working. (Hello, are you blind? You really want them to work? Take off the internet connection after 6!)

Just because I blog, does not mean I want to. Its because facebook is blocked.

LESSONS I'VE LEARNT

2009-01-21T16:08:00.001+08:00

1. If you're nice, people use you

Simple, yet true. It’s amazing how you read in the papers and scoff at people who have been conned out of their life savings or getting robbed trying to help others. We can’t deny the fact that it’s true. If you’re too nice, they say you’re faking it. If you’re being honest by saying you don’t know how something works, they say you’re stupid. You listen to them, ah, this is where it gets all interesting and juicy. If you’ve always been the nice, obedient, silent one, (by silent I mean you don’t talk back. Yes, I mean parents), well, they expect you to be nice, obedient and silent. And they think whatever they say must be obeyed. So yes, they do drastic things like trying to split the rent so that you don’t sub-let it out (WTF?!) and oh, losing their dignity and calling some total stranger’s parents to ask them to ask their children to move out etc etc. So I ask, why the double standard? Why that treatment for me, and yet my sister gets whatever she wants in the exact same circumstances? Right, here’s where the golden answer comes in. Cause she might do something silly if she’s being told off. I mean, WTF x ∞ ???! So, lesson learnt kids: For you to get your way, try committing suicide at a young age (a few times recommended) and don’t forget to let them know that you tried.

Well, I think it’s a bit too late for me to start now. But who knows?

2. Malaysia's going backwards.

Here's proof:

Top stories around the world

US: Historic Inauguration- Barack Obama is 44th President of the United States.

China: Fighting Bird Flu

Europe: Russian gas reaches Europe again via Ukraine

Kuwait: Palestinian president calls for unity government

Australia: Fisherman saved off Australia after 25 days at sea

Malaysia: PAS plans to stop Rihanna concert. WTF??!

3. Love isn't overrated.

You say, dump him, screw him, forget him and pick yourself up, you'll do better without him, you'll be okay, he's not worth it, you're stupid for even trying, you're an idiot for waiting, he's using you, you're blind, he's not meant for you, he's not good enough for you, you can do better than this. And then you end with a 'i don't know why you do this to yourself'.

I'll tell you why.

Because there's more to it than meets the eye. You've been through so much together it won't make any sense just to throw it away. You hope that things will change for the better. Yes, we know that he's lied to your face a million times, he's covered up so many stories you've lost count. But we, the female gender, are blessed with the most spongiest brains and the strongest hearts. We remember every single detail. Every tiny one. We hate you for lying, there's no doubt about that. But we still love you. Love is by far the strongest tool (to build and destroy). Yes of course we will get hurt. But we are stronger than what you think. We don't lash out at poeple like guys do, we deal with it inside, we cry ourselves to sleep, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid, we drink ourselves to death (in the loo) so that we might at least get some sleep.

And the next morning, you wake up and wonder why the **** did you even bother crying for him. And you let your heart mend and you vow never again to cry like that ever again. But it happens again and the cycle begins.

It will continue until that flicker of hope that things will finally go your way, dies.

Not to worry, it won't go on for long. Either things will really change, or there will come a time where you won't take any of this shit anymore.

Then you'd wish you'd never been born.

Wait. I'm ranting away.

I'll tell you why. Again.

1. You love him.
2. You smile when you see him.
3. He gets your jokes.
4. He knows what ticks you off.
5. He knows how to make himself look stupid just to make you laugh.
6. When you're ranting on about someone he doesn't even know about he'll get even more pissed off at that person just to show how much he loves you.
7. He picks you up for lunch and drives you home from work.
8. He loves your dog because you do.
9. He calls just to say hi.
10. You look at him and he'll know what you're thinking.
11. He carries your shopping.
12. He forces you to drink water when you're sick even though you hate it.
13. He laughs at you for getting sick.
14. He tucks you into bed and hugs you throughout the night, and in the morning, you smile when you wake up seeing his ruffled hair looking all scruffy and silly.

And it makes it all worthwhile.

4. The quietest ones thinks the most.

We don't talk so much. Hence we've got the time to think. DUH.

Bored.

2009-01-21T16:01:00.000+08:00

I'm bored out of my wits. And so here I am blogging the afternoon away.

This will be no exciting blog. If you're here to find out about my life, uh, you won't get it. Well maybe just a bit. For times when I feel like bitching, you will. On other days, its just plain bitching.